It was a picture postcard moment.
The room full of gold and gilt decorations.
The dog asleep beside an oversized, blazingly lit Christmas tree.
*
The little boy, in his underwear tiptoeing downstairs.
Well...
OK.
So I was in college.
And not so little.
And I wasn't on a mission to see what Santa had left.
I was looking for my pants.
Or, more specifically, I was looking for the letter in the pants pocket.
*
And the pants, missing from my room, I suspected were now lining Caesar's bed.
It was, you see, his custom to drag off pieces of my clothing and sleep on them.
*
And at first I didn't see my mother standing there -
with sheets of paper in her hand.
*
Have you ever been scared?
I mean really scared?
I've never been as scared as I was at that moment, y'all.
*
The was the scariest moment of my life.
It was -
Worse than the day, in second grade, when Billy C. promised to beat me up.
Scarier than the time I'd accidentally smashed the Nativity scene.
More frightening than the time sophomore year when stayed out until 4 am.
*
And I think, to myself, I can deny it.
Deny what the letter makes clear.
*
A dildo, and there was one in my bag.
That I could deny.
*
Dane's words, those I couldn't.
I started shaking.
And I began to cry.
*
Big, heaving, heavy sobs.